Working with couples for over 10 years I write today as both a Coach and a wife. An important question to ask yourself when you feel disconnected to your spouse is, “What’s different now than when I felt connected?”
Take it deeper and use the following questions for either individual reflection or conversation together.
· Are we spending less time together?
· Is the quality of time spent together unfulfilling?
· Is it the kids and there’s less energy for one another?
· Did we stop having fun together?
· Has our engagement with each other turned completely logistical in nature (revolving around things like who is going to pick up an ingredient at the store, where or what to eat next, or planning a parent’s anniversary party)?
· Is work or another external stressor causing distress on our relationship?
If you don’t do things together – just for fun or at least experiential things, like when you first dated – then your well can run dry.
Doing your own thing is okay here and there – which I highly recommend, it’s just not an "all the time".
If you’re never doing common things together, it eventually erodes that connection.
Ideas for how to connect with your Spouse…
1) Pick something/anything. This can be something that’s small, but meaningful.
It makes the two of you “in it together”. Our go to? Cooking together. Pick a recipe and share the responsibilities. Turn on some jazz, get the ingredients, maybe grab a glass of wine - just have some fun.
2) Consume Something Together
When you both consume something together, it gives you a shared reference point to leap into conversations about.
I’ll give you a few ideas.
· Read scripture together
· Read an article together
· Read a book together
· Watch a TV series together*
*Caution: I know that most couples do this! SO, I challenge you to get out of your comfort zone and find a different thing to consume together on top of your TV show so that you can engage with each other in a different way.
3) Create No-Phone Couple-Zones
You need to establish what I like to call “no-phone couple-zones”. What do I mean by this?
Places AND times where phones are out of the picture, and the two of you are spending time with one another.
Times to cut out the phone:
· During dinner
· During family date nights
· During couple date nights
· After X:XX p.m. at night
Places to cut out the phone:
· In the dining room/at the kitchen table
· During shared TV shows
· In the car when you’re the passenger
· The bedroom
Example from Our Own Marriage: We chose after 8pm every night to be no-phone time, at all meals and the bedroom to be no-phone zones for us.
When you cut out the phone from specific times and places in your life, you open up space for more communication, spontaneous sharing with each other, and getting reconnected.
Need more ideas? Reach out!